


For as long as I have known you

by Frenchibi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: I guess this is like a college AU?, M/M, More angst, They're not in the same college though, and of course they're afraid to lose their friendship if they make a move, basically they both miss each other a lot, getting together etc, such pain, yeah i know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-09 08:30:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5532617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frenchibi/pseuds/Frenchibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa has an uncanny knack for showing up at the worst possible moment, in this case before Iwaizumi has time to compose himself. He’s been careful to never show the setter too much weakness, because he’s Oikawa’s pillar, and if the pillar cracks, it’s only a matter of time before they both fall - and who knows what happens after that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> I like to suffer.  
> This is rough and barely proofread and I'm sorry.

Iwaizumi’s phone vibrates and blinks at him from where it sits on his desk, half-abandoned between books, notes and two empty cups of coffee.

He straightens up, his back stiff from being in the same position for too long while he was leaning over the papers in front of him. An essay, due next week.

Iwaizumi sighs and reaches for the phone as it goes off again. When he sees the name in front of the message though, the smallest of smiles crosses his lips.

**From: Oikawa**

_Hey, Iwa-chan_

_Iwa-chaaaan_

_Are you in class? Answer mee_

Iwaizumi can picture exactly what his friend must look like, sprawled theatrically across whatever surface he’s sitting on and wailing in boredom. He has to remind himself that he can’t react differently than he normally would, so he wipes the grin off his face and types his answer.

**To: Oikawa**

_What do you want_

**From: Oikawa**

_Yaaay, I’m saved!_

_Where are you right now?_

_You busy?_

**To: Oikawa**

_Writing a paper_

**From: Oikawa**

_Ooh, Iwa-chan is so diligent_

_So at the library?_

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes at the phone, as if Oikawa could feel it on the other end.

**To: Oikawa**

_Don’t you have stuff to do_

He doesn’t want him to leave. In fact, his grip on his phone tightens as he types, praying for Oikawa to read between the lines. He’s not bored, but there is nothing he’d rather do than talk to his best friend, no matter the time or place. And ever since they went their separate ways after graduation, every second of Oikawa’s attention is addictive to Iwaizumi.

Of course he’d never say it. But Oikawa can't see him now. It's almost too easy to keep up the nonchalance – even though it hurts more every time he pretends to be exasperated or tired of the setter’s antics. In truth, Iwaizumi enjoys every single text message – he practically anticipates them, hoping he's still a big enough part in Oikawa’s life to warrant his attention even though he's gone on to play volleyball on a national level without him.

It's painful to be left behind, so every little thing Oikawa says to him means a lot more than he cares to admit.

**To: Oikawa**

_No practice today?_

**From: Oikawa**

_Nope_

_We’ve got two days off, coach says that’s important too before big games_

**To: Oikawa**

_Seriously_

**From: Oikawa**

_Yup_

Iwaizumi is grinning again, in spite of himself. Oikawa would never NOT train before a game – he was always a perfectionist when it came to his own skills, and he would never consider any amount of training “enough”.

**To: Oikawa**

_So why aren’t you training anyway_

_did they chuck you out of the gym_

**From: Oikawa**

_what are you implying_

_I’m just doing what my coach told me to!_

_and now I’m bored_

**To: Oikawa**

_you expect me to believe that? When has a coach ever stopped you from practicing_

**From: Oikawa**

_you make it sound like I have a problem with authority_

**To: Oikawa**

_you don’t?_

He can picture Oikawa’s theatrically offended expression, and it leaves a grin on his own face. At the same time, he feels the familiar pang that he’s slowly getting used to, a squeezing sensation in his chest that reminds him how empty he feels without the setter around. Nothing he does makes it better; either he’s lonely and in pain, or talking to him and torturing himself, holding back what he really wants in order to preserve the relationship they have.

**From: Oikawa**

_Seriously Iwa-chan, I’m booored!_

_What are you doing? Any pretty girls at your library?_

**To: Oikawa**

_I wouldn’t know. Some people actually go there to WORK_

_Besides, I’m not at the library_

_Too many distractions, from idiots like you_

The insults slip in easily – they always have – because they mask everything else. They give him an excuse to smirk at Oikawa, when actually he can’t wipe the smile off his face just because his setter is so brilliant, so bright, and Iwaizumi cares about him more than he can ever let him know. He loves their friendship too much to jeopardize it.

**From: Oikawa**

_You're working at home? But what about books_

**To: Oikawa**

_I borrow them_

_why do you care_

**From: Oikawa**

_Well_

**To: Oikawa**

_Let me guess_

_you’re bored_

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes at the screen and turns back to his paper, but before he can even lift his pen, the phone vibrates again.

**From: Oikawa**

_Nah_

_just wanna know what you’re doing, I guess_

_I miss you_

It’s only three little words, but Iwaizumi feels like he was stabbed in the chest. A small choking sound escapes him – it’s so unlike Oikawa to flat-out say something like that and not be joking, and somehow it hits a nerve.

And it hurts, because he's been thinking that, too.

He’s been thinking the same thing for weeks.

He misses Oikawa.

He misses going to school with him, and listening to his constant whining and complaining. He misses hitting his tosses, admiring his serves and receives and having him as his captain. He misses walking home with him, all the random conversations, the lunch breaks, the laughter. He misses the genuine smile that Oikawa only shows around his family, or around Hanamaki and Matsukawa in rare instances – and around Iwaizumi.

Before he realizes what’s happening, there are tears trickling down his face.

“Fuck you, Oikawa,” he hisses, his hand clenching into a fist over his chest, getting caught in the fabric of his shirt. “Fuck you.”

He gets up, his paper forgotten, still clutching his phone in his other hand. He’s seriously tempted to call Oikawa and tell him what an idiot he is, how much he hates him right now for leaving him alone in an apartment that’s too big, and how much more he loves him, really, how much he’s always loved him and how much he wishes he were here.

He needs to get out of this room, he realizes. Out of this apartment. Needs some air to help him calm down. So he pushes the door open, stepping into the hallway. He should probably wash his face.

The sound of footsteps interrupts his thoughts before he reaches the bathroom; someone is walking past his front door. Probably a neighbor, he thinks. So he’s surprised when they suddenly stop. He hears the sound of keys jingling against each other, then a key being fitted into his lock.

He frowns – not many people have spare keys – actually, only…

But it can't be.

With a sudden sense of urgency, he hurries towards the door. It opens before he can reach it, though, and he freezes in place.

He stares at the person in the frame, and he swears he stops breathing.

He drops his phone.

It clatters to the floor noisily, but he honestly couldn’t care less.

The man in the doorway looks up, surprised as well.

His hair is a little longer than Iwaizumi remembers, a little messier, maybe – he looks windswept, and slightly out of breath. There’s a mixture of relief and surprise on his face, but it’s immediately taken over by concern.

“Iwa-“

“Wh… what are you doing here?”


	2. Explosions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I'm sick, and I know this was meant to be just two chapters, but it's gonna be three - please don't sue me.  
> Also I'm sorry; you're on the pain train and it's headed for a lot of angst and tears and drama before you reach your final destination. Don't worry though, the conclusion is almost complete and will be up soon.

Oikawa is staring blankly back at Iwaizumi, his mock-offended retort apparently getting lost somewhere between his brain and his tongue. Iwaizumi quickly brushes the back of his hand over his eyes, trying to get rid of any evidence of his tears, knowing full well it’s too late.

“Uh…”

The setter stands in the doorway kind of helplessly, not sure how to react. He seems torn between backing away and not doing further damage and wanting to know what’s wrong. The latter wins out, and he takes a tentative step towards Iwaizumi.

“Iwa-chan? Are you okay? …I just… thought I’d surprise you…?”

Iwaizumi decides to ignore his tear-stained face – it’s too late anyway –, his arm dropping back to his side as he shakes his head in disbelief.

“How… when did you even-“

Oikawa grins almost too proudly, holding up his hand in a peace sign, the keys dangling from his ring finger. “I got up at 4 am and took the first train!”

Iwaizumi manages to huff out an incredulous half-chuckle, but it’s not very convincing. He stares at Oikawa for a second, taking in the sight of him in his doorway, standing there like he belongs, like he’s always been here.

Like the last couple of months never happened. Like Iwaizumi was never lonely. Like he didn’t miss him every second of every fucking day.

Like he doesn’t know how hard it’s been.

And it hits him then, as he sighs and lets go, knowing it’s too late to pretend, knowing he couldn’t stop himself even if he tried, and as he whispers: “I can’t believe you’re really here," it hits him that Oikawa _doesn’t_ _know_. How would he? How could he, since he’s never told him?

Iwaizumi has spent so much time thinking about Oikawa, worrying about him, trying way too hard to keep their friendship working even with the distance between them - something they have never experienced before, they've always been together until now - that he's almost forgotten what it's like to talk to him face to face.

Or rather, he's forgotten that texting isn't the same. That Oikawa can read him like an open book right now, but he couldn't before. So of course he wouldn't know.

Oikawa takes a step inside and closes the door behind him, tilting his head as he turns back to face his friend and says: “What, you aren’t gonna scold me for straining my body so much? I’m not getting kicked, or slapped?”

Iwaizumi blinks. It’s the last thing he wants to do, but of course it’s what Oikawa expects.

“Not… not today. I’m just…”

_I’m just so happy to see you._

He can’t say it. He never could. And that's probably the problem.

Oikawa bends down and picks up Iwaizumi’s phone, miraculously unscathed. He looks down at it, and sees the open chat window displaying his own message.

“Iwa-chan… did what I wrote upset you?”

His voice is strangely quiet and almost timid, apologetic before even getting to a real apology.

“I, uhm…”

Iwaizumi doesn’t know what he can say, and, unsurprisingly, his brain doesn't supply anything helpful. He just stands and watches his confident best friend awkwardly rub his hand against the back of his head, his gaze dropping to the floor.

“I didn’t want to make you sad. I just… I never told you, and… it hurt me, too.”

Iwaizumi blinks at him, not sure what’s happening.

“Actually,” Oikawa says, looking a little guilty, “actually, I should be practicing. I’m not… nearly good enough. But… two days off, that meant enough time to… to come and see you. And I missed you so much, Iwa-chan.”

When Iwaizumi still doesn’t reply, he adds: “I should have told you I was coming. I’m sorry.”

Iwaizumi finally finds his voice, taking an indignant step towards the setter. “Are you stupid?!”

Oikawa looks taken aback, but he doesn’t back away. Iwaizumi closes the distance between them, moving right up into Oikawa’s personal space.

“Do you have any idea… do you even…”

He’s crying again, goddamn it. He takes two or three heavy breaths, trying to calm himself enough to speak, thinking of how ridiculous he must look right now.

But it’s too late, isn’t it? He couldn’t stop it if he tried.

He’s going to break it.

“You have no idea how hard it’s been for me…!”

It’s out, and it feels like a weight dropped off his chest. But he can’t stop. It’s all coming back now, and it hurts like hell.

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long – I’ve been counting days, hours, minutes like a fucking grade-schooler! I’ve been staying up late waiting for you to finish practice so I could talk to you, keeping track of your ridiculous schedule so I wouldn’t be left out! I always go along with all your stupid whims, I always have. I’d follow you around and help you up when you fell and… and you’d always just run ahead of me, just out of reach and so goddamn bright and brilliant, always threatening to leave me behind…”

He has to stop to breathe, his body shaking in anger – or maybe it’s the crying, he’s not sure, probably both – but when Oikawa opens his mouth to speak, Iwaizumi cuts him off.

“No, shut up! You’re hearing all of this! Fuck you!”

Oikawa blinks, his face showing surprise and confusion and something that might be pain as well. Iwaizumi feels a grim sort of satisfaction, and at the same time it feels like an iron fist clenches over his heart. He doesn’t want to hurt him, but he needs him to understand.

“I’ve been waiting and worrying and you just… you just walk in here like you’ve been here all along, like nothing’s changed, like you and I are just gonna be okay because we _always_ are – well you know what? We’re not. We’re never okay, because I’m never okay. I pretend, I pretend because I don’t want to wreck this, but I’ve been… I’ve been…”

He slams his fist onto Oikawa’s chest. The setter flinches, but doesn’t stop him. His lips are parted, in something like shock or incredulity or even fear, but he doesn’t move.

“It just… it fucking hurts. Because you’ll never… I’ll never be that important to you. You say you missed me, but you’ll never…”

But something changes, and he stops.

_What the hell am I doing._

The adrenaline is leaving his body, his angry tears ebbing away, his fists resting on the setter’s chest as his shoulders still shake. Suddenly, all he feels is exhaustion.

He realizes how loud he’s being, how immature and annoying. Frustrated, he twists himself away, suddenly dying to bring distance between himself and the setter. He turns and walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Oikawa stands right where he left him, like he’s paralyzed.

~~~

His fingers clench on either side of the sink and he takes a few breaths to ease the frantic beating of his heart. When he looks up into the mirror, he almost cringes at the sight of himself.

Heaving out a sigh, he turns on the water as cold as it’ll go and splashes his face multiple times.

Only then, his brain finally catches up.

_Well, shit._

There’s no way he can explain away that one.

He turns off the water and stares at his reflection again, wondering how on earth he’s supposed to face his best friend now.

_Shit, shit. What have I done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come cry with me D:  
> ...I seem to be saying that in all my IwaOi fics huh. I'm sensing a theme.


	3. Invincible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright people, here it is - the conclusion. *hands everyone tissues*

When Iwaizumi finally leaves the bathroom, Oikawa is standing right where he left him, his bag still slung over his shoulder, eyes downcast. When he takes a closer look, though, he sees moisture on the setter’s face as well.

Of course he’d be crying.

_Ah, fuck._

Iwaizumi hesitates, halfway into the hall, his hand on the doorknob. It’s his fault, and he knows it. He always realizes, in moments like this, how much pain he’s probably caused his best friend in all the time they’ve known each other. He kind of hates himself.

Oikawa lifts his head tentatively to meet his gaze.

“Iwa-chan,” he whispers, his voice tiny and scared.

Iwaizumi bites his lip. “I’m sorry, Oikawa. It’s okay. Come in, you can-“

But Oikawa isn’t listening, stepping forward, his eyes large and pleading. He drops his bag by his feet, doesn’t care about the somewhat unhealthy sound it makes as it smacks to the floor.

“Iwa-chan, I’m so… I’m so sorry… please don’t hate me… Iwa-chan… Iwa-chan, I…”

Iwaizumi shakes his head.

“It’s fine. Really. I… don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Probably stressed from classes, that’s all. Of course I don’t… I could never hate you. I’m sorry I yelled like that. It was stupid–”

“But you’re right,” Oikawa says quietly. “You’re right about everything. I knew… I always knew you were hiding your pain so this friendship could work. I knew I was asking too much of you. I knew I was… I was always testing my boundaries, always… always pushing you…”

He stares down at his hands. “I can’t do anything without you, Iwa-chan. I’d… I’d lose my mind. Being away from you… hurts. It hurts. And pretending hurts, too. I… need you. You probably don’t think I do, but it’s the truth. I need you, and I miss you, and… I’m so sorry…”

Iwaizumi loses the little bit of control he thought he’d regained when he hears Oikawa’s broken whisper. He’s hurting, and if there’s anything Iwaizumi can’t stand it’s to see the setter – _his_ setter – in pain.

So he steps forward and wraps his arms around Oikawa, who looks so small now even though he’s actually a little taller, and who collapses against him as soon as their bodies touch, bursting into tears.

Oikawa’s always been an ugly crier, tears pouring from his eyes as he whimpers and sobs into Iwaizumi’s shirt, clinging to him for support. Iwaizumi just pulls him close, feeling all his energy fading all over again. But this time, he’s strangely calm.

Oikawa makes him feel invincible. He always has. Even when they were kids, covered in dirt and bruises, and little Tooru asked, with a hint of disbelief, if they were really best friends, and - when Hajime told him that “of course, dumbass, we’ll always be best friends" - he’d smiled that stupid, adorable smile of his. And when they spent the night in a tree house Hajime’s dad helped them build, staring at the stars through an opening in the roof, legs tangled together under heaps of blankets even though it was a warm summer night, imagining grand battles dancing through the constellations. And when Hajime bought Tooru a book about space, and Tooru looked at him like he’d personally hung the moon and the stars he loved so much. When soft, pretty, insecure Tooru was bullied by the other boys and Hajime stood up for him because he understood even without Tooru telling him, understood everything just by the tug of a tiny hand on his sleeve and the wide-eyed hope shining through his friend’s tears, understood that their friendship meant more than anything else. It made him feel powerful, strong, needed. It also made him proud, even then.

That pride never left him. Not when they started middle school and he’d asked Oikawa to stop calling him Hajime-chan, because that was embarrassing, and Oikawa had switched to the nickname that had stuck until now, not even when he’d been so angry with the setter for overworking himself and overthinking everything and being such a _goddamn idiot_.

He’d loved him even then.

Iwaizumi knows that this friendship with Oikawa is by far the most precious thing he owns. He’d gotten greedy and wanted more than what he already had, even though that should have been more than enough.

It was stupid of him to risk losing all of this over a stupid unrequited crush.

Usually distance gives you perspective, but Iwaizumi supposes he overreacted instead. Now, seeing Oikawa again, seeing all the pain he’s caused him by making such a fuss, he realizes that there’s no way he’d want to risk their friendship. It’s too precious, too important to him.

So he pulls the setter to his chest, squeezing him tightly, and hardens his heart. He’ll protect this, if it’s the last thing he does.

~~~

“Iwa-chan…”

Oikawa is the first to break the silence, but he doesn’t move to pull away. He sniffs, burying his face in the crook of Iwaizumi’s neck and tightening his grip around the other.

Iwaizumi exhales softly. “Yeah…?”

“… you know…”

Oikawa heaves a sigh, like he’s steeling himself, like he’s prepared to say something big and meaningful. Iwaizumi tenses.

“Iwa-chan, I think… I think I’ve always loved you.”

Iwaizumi’s throat constricts, and he’s pretty sure everything stops for a second; his breathing, his heart. There’s something huge and all-encompassing blooming in his chest and it’s stronger than him.

“…oh,” he manages, his eyes wide.

Oikawa isn’t looking up, and his voice is muffled by Iwaizumi’s shirt, making it difficult to understand exactly what he’s saying. But Iwaizumi is painfully aware of Oikawa’s breath on his skin as he holds his own, trying to hear every word, every sound, because _this can't be happening_.

“I think I’ve probably… I’ve loved you ever since I met you. I love that you don’t care what anyone else thinks, that you took my hand and pulled me with you, that you agreed to play volleyball with me, and that you picked me up every morning for practice and walked home with me in the evenings. I… I love that you listened to me rant about aliens and girls and sports and... and that you make fun of me but I know you really care, a lot. I love that you ground me when I think I’m going crazy with anxiety, and that you’re always there when I need you, that you… you saved me. I’ve loved you as long as I’ve known you, everything you do, everything you say, every… everything, and I couldn’t… I could never tell you…”

The words wash over him, crashing into him like waves, and Iwaizumi blinks as he realizes something.

He knows.

He knows this. All of this.

He’s probably always known, somehow. Somewhere.

“…because you were afraid you’d break our friendship…?” he asks quietly.

_Because it was too important? Because you were afraid I'd hate you, I'd find it weird or disgusting and it'd change the way I see you?_

Oikawa hears him, and he tenses before he nods. Iwaizumi has the feeling he heard the rest, too - all the things he didn't say.

_You know it too, don't you?_

_You just haven't realized yet._

Iwaizumi exhales, taking a second to process.

“Oikawa… you idiot,” he says finally, and all he feels is relief, flooding through him, taking away everything else.

“…so mean, Iwa-chan…”

Oikawa pulls back a little so he can look at Iwaizumi, pouting. He looks ridiculous, his entire face wet from his tears. But he can’t keep it up for long, and a small, sad smile breaks across his face, like he can’t help it, like it just happens. Like looking at Iwaizumi put it there.

Iwaizumi’s pretty sure this one’s genuine.

“You’re right, I was afraid. But… now I’ve broken it, what will you do, Iwa-chan?”

He looks so sure he’ll be rejected. So sad and resigned.

“I’ll fix it,” Iwaizumi says simply. “I’ll fix us.”

And he leans forward and brushes his lips against Oikawa’s.

It only lasts a second, then he pulls back, always hesitating.

Oikawa blinks in surprise, his stupid, beautiful eyes wide and round.

“Iwa…chan?”

“Me too,” Iwaizumi says, and he means it. “For as long as I can remember.”

~~~

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me and going through all that angst to get to this point *cries forever*
> 
> Come cry with me about IwaOi and/or Haikyuu on my [tumblr](http://frenchibi.tumblr.com) if you feel like it (although I should warn you it is a multifandom mess ^^), or leave a comment here, either is greatly appreciated.
> 
> I've only been on ao3 for like three weeks and I've been so amazed at all the wonderful feedback I've been getting :D Thank you guys so much, your comments were the best encouragement I could hope for - and thank you to everyone who left kudos, it means so much *still sobbing*  
> Honestly every time I'm just so surprised even one person enjoyed what I wrote and found it worth their time D:
> 
> ...okay it's like 3am and I'm sick, I'm trash, I'm emotional and I'm just gonna shut up now.


End file.
